Hello, Goodbye…


m4

YOU…

You are the madness inside of me,
you are the song in my steps.

You are the ache deep inside my bones,

moaning like a torrid storm that is

Wind and rain and earth all at once…

Sometimes from memory….

Like when fear made my heart jump,

Outside my skin, inside my limbs…
back when childhood was all yellow covered in black…

You are the wanderer sleeping beneath my skin,
quiet and screaming,

Lonely and dreaming.

You taught me well,
Or maybe not at all…..

YOU…
you’re everywhere…
Even when I learnt the ways of old…
When I, a tiny whisper, and you, painter and surveyor of all your untold…

YOU – you were the sky,
Light, and dark,
Like my always,
Like her always…
I’m told that’s the thing about skies,
Always around,
Bearing the weight of falling stars.
They’re good for wishful thinking…
Like an afterthought….
And still…

 
YOU…
You’re in my heart songs,
birthing rhymes to my secret dance…
You know it well…
So often I’ve imagined what I might’ve been without it…
What we might’ve been without it,
What you might’ve been without it…
But then the moans inside my bones jostle me from pointless dreams,

And then,
Just like that,
I’m STILL the me you made…..

Sometimes, when I stop trying,
The earth inside me crumbles,
And you’re everywhere…
You’re in the way my feet shuffle, noisily,
The way you always made yourself announced.

YOU….
You’re in my clumsy smile,
And in the desperate ways I tried to love myself enough for the both of us…

YOU….
You’re everywhere,
in my child-woman,
in my broken rhythm…
In my fierceness,
in my emptiness….
I hear your echo in my breath.
I feel your sorrow each time that I’ve wept….

YOU….
you’re everywhere…
In my loneliness,
I hear your name,
And all my scars, rise up,
with your secret ways engraved…
Shafing the grafts of my skin,
making its presence felt

Like you did….

Even when we were apart…

YOU…
you’re everywhere,
in all the things I learnt to love,
and in all the things I gave away.

My inheritance of pain,
So much lost,
so little gained…

YOU…
You’re everywhere,
In cold mornings when my feet first touch the ground,
I hear the whispers,
They tell me you’ve really gone far away…
It must be true…
but who’s to take my faults away?
Mornings come like reminders,
Clock work…
and we go through the motions
She and I…
what then was the point of it all?
Of all the rights, and all the wrongs….

Memory makes for a dull nagging ache…
It won’t go…
The word –

It’s sometimes grief,

and other times- relief….

But I pretend…

I pretend I’m brave,
I pretend I’m angry,
I pretend this loss is nothing…
I pretend all this weeping and moaning is from memories.
I tell myself I’m better,

We’re better

You’re better….

I catch myself painting pictures like you did…

See? Remember that time? We used to be happy…
Definitely.
Maybe???

YOU
you’re everywhere.
You’re in my persistent disbelief,
You are in all our waking moments,
You ARE when I am sound asleep….

I catch what feels like grief as it forms a tear,
swallowing it whole to stop the flames…

In all the goodbyes we’ve ever practiced…
THIS is one that puts them all to shame…

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