Absence has its ways…


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I talk to you… everyday… without words…with words…with words… all these words…they let themselves form inside the deepest end of my chest…this is the part I pretend is whole… but really it’s an empty dull ache…maybe this is what a phantom limb feels like…how does something that doesn’t exist cause this much pain…but I live… because you do…

Today, new words, and old words, joined forces and swam together in pools made from my tears… I didn’t plan to cry… I thought I’d pretended long enough to start believing in the reality of not having any part of you… but you are who you are…and one unassuming, unsuspecting turn later, there stands my truth…My silly heart knew before my eyes did…and I’m overwhelmed…and as my eyes scan for as much as I can fill them with in that split second; my heart sings… Stay she sings…stay…Stay….stay…Let time stand her ground…but my eyes…they spill the truth; with every drop…here comes distance… here comes resistance…more distance…cold distance…I wrestle with my limbs… see they want to run…to you…towards you…anyplace that’s you….and I wrestle with my fingers…they want to reach for the phone and tell you everything… now now now….and I wrestle with my mouth as it says your name….and I stop…. I need a moment to breathe…I need a moment to recover from this split second that brought so much joy and pain…and I wonder if I have the same effect on you as you always have on me…but wait…I’m crouching by the side of the stairs…it’s not often I get the wind knocked right out of me…but now I rise and put on my pretty face before the world sees how I crumble… And inside my head I want to scream… because these words luv… all these words!!! They have so much to say… but you left…and you left…And how you left…And I realize…all the pain of isolation, and abuse, and abandonment, is nothing compared to the absence of you…

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3 thoughts on “Absence has its ways…

  1. Its beautiful. If it is not just a blog and you feel so strong, maybe you can just reach out for the mobile and make the call. Life can just surprise you. Ven if it does not, you wont die wondering about maybes. A lovely post nevertheless.

  2. all your last three blogs have described my feelings this is exactly how i feel…..well written beautiful

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