Breathe easy luv!!


heart tree

Don’t judge this till you’ve heard me all the way through … There’s things I have to say to you luv… some that you know… some you pretend you don’t… But there are things…. These words… they crawl underneath my skin, threatening to break free… out the pores… out of me….  Out… out… out like sweat…. Hot and rancid…. Inside… but outside… there’s cold… too much cold…. I shiver from the mechanics of it all…. So cold…

But then it’s been cold for a while now…. I have to remind myself that it was real…. That I didn’t just imagine finding your eyes midst thousands…And then I laugh…because I’m reminded of the many months I spent trying to forget… they felt like winter…winter from the seven kingdoms… winter that wasn’t just coming… winter that was here… and oh how it stayed! And when winter was at her coldest, I was the weakest I’d ever been…. And I wanted so much to believe that the warmth of another would make me forget… you… us… and all that will never be…. But I didn’t get very far…. Everything I thought I’d buried, came rushing in… and I burst into tears on his face.. I couldn’t go through with it… I couldn’t let him lay his hands on me… I couldn’t let him find me the way I’d let you find me…The way you HAD found me… I couldn’t… and I loved you more then…. When I should’ve loved you less…. And I needed you more then, when I should’ve needed you less….. I craved for the comfort of your voice then … while I could’ve hated instead… and I lived.. and I died… I died…all at once…. Half-asleep, half-awake….This numbness… so familiar… it was her gift to me….the one who birthed me… but these are things you probably did forget…. Things you’d rather make memes of instead…Things you think are better left unsaid… things you say are better left dead… I remember…. Overly attached you’d said… And I wondered why I wasn’t just  enough for you instead…

And now, winter’s gone.. and here’s what’s left of me in her wake.. all this bareness…. My little ship wreck… frozen… thawed…. My truth…your disbelief…my somnolence was my escape…. But luv, I’ve learnt it’s hard to run away from what’s under my skin… And through this all… I still need you to remember something – I’ve loved you… heck… I love you still… sometimes I think even more than you’d want to consider… and in this love, I’ve discovered… It’s the easiest thing to want what you want… to want to see you happy… to want to see you live the life you built….I  live in its shadows everyday… and I’m glad for it…. I need you to know… I want for you to have everything you’ve wanted… and more… a thousand times more…. I’ll bare another thousand winters if need be…This Black Castle is mine to see….  I took my vows at the heart tree…. Because for you I can, don’t you see…? So breathe easy luv… breathe easy … I won’t snatch away what’s yours… See I made promises to you that I intend to  keep… but in the next life…’ and all the other lives to come…. you’ll just have to settle to be mine until  the world is all but done….

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